John McCain publicly announces, “I want to work with Obama.” Rahm Emmanuel replies, “Go to Change.gov, and you can apply online. We already have over 300,000 applications.” John McCain, “What’s this online thing?”

Dec 11: Researchers at the University of Utah invented a device that prevents someone from placing a cell phone call or texting while driving. The device activates when the car key is used to start the car, placing the cell phone in “driver mode” and preventing incoming and outgoing calls. Incoming calls and texts are automatically answered with a message saying, “I am driving now. I will call you later when I arrive at the destination safely. Oh, and my destination is a phone store to buy a different phone without this damn restriction. Don’t tell the ‘rents.”

According to the World Health Organization, by 2010, cancer will be the world’s top killer, ousting Hitler, Pol Pot, and Jack Bauer.

Get your flu shots early this year so your PC doesn’t get a virus.

The Award For “Worst Ad Placement” Goes To…

RED STRIPE BEER! HOORAY BEER!

Dec 5: Happiness is contagious, researchers reported Thursday in the British Medical Journal. So get your booster shots before we get too far into happiness season. Health officials have indicated that the booster shots are especially important for young children, the elderly, and those who have compromised immune systems.

Dec 4: (Vero Beach, Fla.) A Vero Beach man faces a domestic violence charge after authorities said he assaulted his girlfriend with by smashing a cheeseburger into her face. To top it off, the girlfriend is suing him for emotional damages and trauma due to the two all beef patties, and the special sauce.

Dec 4: In the race for California’s 4th District House Seat, Democrat Charlie Brown conceded defeat to Republican state Sen. Tom McClintock on Wednesday, when McClintock pulled the football away just as Mr. Brown was about to kick it.

Nov 20: CEO’s from GM, Ford & Chrysler flew on private jets to Washington DC to ask the government for a 25 billion dollar bailout/loan. When Senator Harry Reid grilled them on how the money would be used, Ford CEO Alan Mulally replied, “10 Billion is for undercoating.”

Nov 9: Rapper 50 cent devalued to 21.6 cent.

Oct 5: Burger King switches to trans fat free oil.
Burger King completely removed trans fats from all its chain restaurants. The fast food chain was caught off guard by the backlash from the outraged, overweight lard-asses who were also banned.

Oct 5: Chinese pandas fed chicken soup for health. Three year old panda, Xiwang, replied, “Actually I didn’t want it for my health, I wanted it for my soul.”

Oct 4: Cook frozen chicken entrees properly, FDA urges.
In other news, local police urge people to look both ways before crossing the street, and four out of five doctors recommend not eating glass, nails or anything that can be described as gravelly.

Oct 4: (Chinese Zoo) Elderly turtle pair fails to produce offspring. As usual, elderly female turtle blames elderly male turtle, berates him for every mistake he has ever made in his entire life, and makes him sleep out on the couch.

Oct 4: European leaders vow to fight financial crisis. Said European leaders, “Hey financial crisis, you & me outside behind the gym at 3 O’clock. Unless you’re chicken!”

Oct 4: North Korean leader watches soccer game. Just before half-time, he gave both teams a red-card and declared himself the winner.

Oct 4: T-Mobile admits losing data for 17 million customers. When asked about it, CEO Hamid Akhavan said, “I looked all over the house for it, and it turns out, it was in my hand the entire time.”

Oct 3: SEC short-selling ban to expire Wednesday night. A relieved Mike Myers is anxious to sell his mini-me.

Oct 1: Robot has biological brain. Scientists have created a robot controlled by a biological brain made of rat neurons. They call it Dick Cheney.

Here is the press release I wrote for Dougtionary.com:

————————————————-

PRESS RELEASE

Dougtionary one year anniversary!

It began on October 18, 2007, when the creative gods challenged Doug “Sideshow” Allen to create and post a new word in his blog every day for the next year. And if the thought of 365 entries made him queasy, 2008 is a leap year, so he needed 366. But never one to back away from a good challenge, Doug launched the “Fake Word Of the Day” blog on Dougtionary.com.

From Abstainus to Zitgeist, Dougtionary takes us on a neological journey coining terms such as the Middle Eastern Bugs Bunny fave, ”Afghanvil,” the amazing drinking stunt, “Heinekenesis,” and the sibling rivalry gem, the fine art of the “hambush”.

Some words come from personal experience. For example, on a recent trip to Ikea, Doug was extremely unprepared. He got lost inside the store, couldn’t find his way out and needed to be rescued from his “retail safari.” Lesson learned, always pack food and a good map.

Not only is it fun to have these words delivered to your email in-box every morning, they also reflect the state of the times: from the recent economic “net worthquake,” to tense and polarizing national politics, where one well known politician used a Dougtionary word in a televised debate (the video is posted in the blog as proof!).

Doug “Sideshow” Allen is a comedy writer with a background in improvisation. He writes and performs sketch comedy, punches jokes for screenwriters and teaches comedy techniques. He has also earned a “green living black-belt” by driving his converted Mercedes powered by vegetable oil.

Doug is available for commentary, speaking, workshop engagements and most happy hours.

Get the Fake Word Of the Day at:

http://dougtionary.com/blog

Adam writes comics & recently spoke at the Portland Creative Conference about his creative process.

http://adamgallardo.blogspot.com/2008/09/creative-conference-talk.html

Enjoy!

While driving home from Pasadena one afternoon, I turn on the radio. It’s the Griffith Observatory Sky Report. The guy speaking is very articulate, but when he says “astronomy,” I hear “pastronomy“. I know that’s not what he said, but “pastronomy” is what my brain chose to hear.

My brain has a quick habit of bastardizing words — call it a disease or a skill, it’s your pick.

When I get home, I flip through several notebooks to see what other words I had jotted down recently. Anything that sounds funny, intriguing, or even sick gets written down, and often lost in a stack of notebooks scribbled full of ideas, thoughts and words. Here and there I find more fake words. Crackupuncture. Gerildo. Hummiside. Phlegmonade. Manchovy. Deceastiality. (Yeah, they’re not all pretty, but they create a lasting image.)

Then comes the challenge — Could I create a new word every day for the next year? I don’t know. Initially I resist the idea and have an out loud conversation with myself about it, then I take the challenge. Let’s see if I can intentionally bastardize more words, rather than just wait for the word ideas to happen on their own. That’s how my “Fake Word Of the Day” blog began on Dougtionary.com. That’s right, I even bastardized the term “Dictionary” and satisfied my inner narcissist at the same time.

As of today I’m at post #350, and the one year mark will be on Oct 17.

Feel free to peruse my “wordorific” blog, post comments and rate the words.

Using existing speech is just lazy. Why should we restrict ourselves to words that already exist when we can create our own?

www.dougtionary.com

I probably have time if I leave now. A quick trip to Target and I browse the models on display. I want the most powerful model. It gets so hot in the summer time that I can’t use the oven and have to cook entire meals in the microwave. Fast is good, faster is even bettter. Oh, here we go! A Panasonic family size 1.2 cu. ft. microwave oven with inverter technology. I have no idea what inverter technology is, but it sounds cool. 1300 watts, boo-yah! That should dry out a dinner roll in two seconds flat. Sold!

I race home, excited to set it up, which turns out to be a bigger ordeal than I imagined. Our old microwave sits on a heavy cabinet and the plug is buried far behind it. Unload the cabinet, remove the wine, glasses, all the miscellaneous crap that we stuffed into the drawers, and still it’s difficult to move. Unplug the old microwave, set it aside, unbox the new microwave, plug it in, move the cabinet back, put all the wine back. Done.

Time to heat up some food and enjoy the new appliance.
I open the door to put the glass carousel tray inside.
Heeeeey. What’s this?
Little bits of food all over the sides and top of the microwave. Did they do their Q&A testing without a dish cover over the food?

It sets in. Eww. That’s someone else’s food.
It’s not brand new. Someone used my microwave, exploded some food in it and returned it. And if that’s not bad enough, Target accepted the return without inspection and put it back on the shelf.

Damnit! I don’t want to clean what should be a brand new microwave. This is an injustice! How could they do this to me?

I reason with myself. It’s just some food. I can clean it off and then it will be as good as new…
And then I counter my reasoning. But I shouldn’t have to clean it. I deserve a new microwave. One that is actually new.

That settles it. I’d rather drive back to the store and return it rather than wash it.
I call Target to ensure they have another one in stock. They don’t, but they refer me to a different store across town. Way across town. This is going to take awhile.

Melissa might get home before me and want something to eat, so I go through the whole routine of moving the cabinet again and swapping the old microwave back.

Race across town, return microwave, swap for a new one, yada-yada. Jump ahead to getting home with the new microwave. This time it better be 100% new. I open the box. The plastic wrapped around it is pristine. The power cord is wrapped perfectly in a tight coil and held together with twist ties. I untie it and swing it around like a lasso, celebrating the fact that it’s new and hasn’t been unboxed by anyone else before me. I remove the tissue paper from the inside of the door — it’s crisp. I check the inside for bits of food — none!

I take a deep breath and smell the inside of the microwave. It has a wonderful new microwave smell, that chemical plastic-ey industrial type smell that tells me this is indeed brand new. And then it makes me think, “I should probably wash this thing before using it.” Maaaaaan, that’s exactly what I didn’t want to do.

Hmm, what have we here?
(I actually said that out loud, a few other people give me an odd look and go back to the books they were perusing.)

I open this book somewhere in the middle and see the following:

1. I do have good ideas.

2. I have many good ideas.

3. Slowly and gently, one at a time, I can execute them.

Interesting. Without looking at anything else on the page, without any other reference or context, it speaks directly to me.

I smile at point #3 realizing that it has two very different meanings. I choose to take point #3 “execute” as “create/write/complete” as opposed to “shoot it dead and bury it.”

I wander farther down the aisle and another book catches my eye. Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now”. I was at Jeff’s house last night for happy hour and one of his friends went off for 15 minutes about this book. He spoke very passionately about it, so I think maybe I should check this book out. (Or maybe not — I could always read it later… err, I couldn’t help myself… Now & Later. Isn’t that a candy? Hey, <snap-snap> come back to the present moment!)

Ooh, what’s this…

Right next to “The Power of Now” is “Bucklands Complete Book of Witchcraft” — Revised AND expanded. Now this is what I love about a bookstore. It’s overstimulation / A.D.D. on steroids. All these books competing for attention with bright colors — the marketing departments at the publishing houses really know their shit when designing book covers. It’s not just aesthetics, it’s attention grabbing.

Anyway, I pull “Bucklands Complete Book of Witchcraft” off the shelf and randomly open it somewhere in the middle. I blow on the page as if I’m blowing off centuries of old dust. (There isn’t any.) I get a few more strange looks from other customers nearby. I read the header on the page in front of me, “The Power Of the Written Word.”

It’s one of those days when the universe is speaking to me. I grab the Julie Cameron book as well as “The Power of Now” (to read later) and head to the checkout line.

Ooh, all sorts of discounted crap by the checkout counter! What have we here? Little trinkets, book lights…

Cashier: “I can help the next customer…”

And a and a mini Zen garden in a box. Coolio!

Cashier: ‘Hello, I can help the next customer.”

The person behind me gives me a nudge.

“Oh, that’s me.”

And now back to our sedentary lives…